Of Heart Attacks, Homemaking and Our True Identity

He said he just felt strange and had a bad foreboding as he walked out of the camper trailer he lived in. We helped him into the ambulance and hooked him up to the heart monitor.

We were a thrown together crew that day. With no members paid to be on call there were days when it was hard to get a crew. Like that day. We had a fireman driving, an EMT who's "real" job didn't let her go on more than 1 or 2 calls a month, an EMT student and myself. 

Our patient suddenly started showing signs of acute heart problems and we called the helicopter. With over an hour to the hospital and only Basic life support on board, we weren't taking any chances. Our patient got worse and worse and I asked our driver to contact the helicopter to see if they could meet us at a closer spot. 

Suddenly, our biggest fear became reality and our patient was in full cardiac arrest, no heart beat, no breathing. We inserted an airway, and started CPR. I don't think any of us had ever done CPR on a real patient before. I yelled to the fireman and he contacted the helicopter and arranged to meet right on the road. My heart was pounding and I kept running all my training through my mind, trying to keep on the right track.

We were flying down the road at such a rapid rate of speed it was hard for all of us to stay upright in the back as we bounced over old frost heaves and potholes. The 8 minutes we were doing CPR were the tensest in my life. I wanted the driver to stop so we could use the AED on the patient but he didn't get the message or was too scared to stop. Finally we met the helicopter.

They had a IV needle in his leg bone and shocked him in less than 30 seconds and soon they were flying to the hospital at top speed. We caught our breath after an experience we would never forget and turned around and headed home.

Two days later the man walked in the ambulance barn where I was working, by myself that day, and gave me a big hug with tears in his eyes as he thanked me for saving his life. Another memorable life moment. I will never forget it.

It was just over a year later, and a month before my husband and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary, that our first child was born. A darling little girl, a month early, weighing in at 4lbs 10oz. We had to feed her with a medicine dropper when she got wore out from nursing. We had to wake her up to eat every 2 hours, around the clock. And I loved being a Mom from the very first moment.

But I struggled.

I didn't struggle with taking care of her properly. I didn't struggle with loving her. None of that stuff. 

I struggled with my identity.

Before I was a wife and a mom, before I became a homemaker I had a very clear identity.

I was an EMT. I had a place in the community.

I was a Sunday School Teacher. I had a place in the church.

I wrote and directed plays for the young teens in church. I had a place with my peers.

I was the oldest left at home with 4 younger sisters. I had a place in my family

Now I stayed at home, cooked meals, cared for my baby and was needed by nobody but my husband and daughter. And I struggled. I wanted to rebel. I didn't want to quit being a wife and mom. But I still didn't feel important.

I let myself become critical in my thinking about others. I allowed myself to feel useless. And I lost my security as a Christian. I felt like I was doing nothing for Jesus and therefore lost my "standing" with Him.

I struggled with fear. I struggled with my salvation. I struggled with contentment. I thought if I couldn't have a useful life working with other people then I would make my house, my kids, my food, my parties all look like they came from Pinterest. I desperately searched to find a significant place among my friends and my community.

It  was exhausting

Of course I couldn't keep up with my ideals, let alone the ideals I found online.

I forgot where my true identity lies. My identity is not in my job, my missions work or anything else. Before I am an EMT, a Sunday School teacher, a writer, a wife, a mom or a homemaker, I am the daughter of the King.

My identity is in Christ!

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. ~Colossians 3:1

I wish, oh, how I wish, that I had discovered this important but elementary truth earlier. I don't need to perform or "be someone" to feel secure. Friends, if you are getting married soon, or are young married or if you struggle with feeling important, please stop.

Look at your life. It doesn't matter what you do.

It doesn't matter who you are.

Please, please, dear friend, make sure you life is rooted and grounded in Christ. Have an open connection with HIM, and any life transitions you make will be so much smoother. Please, don't make the mistakes I did. Don't look for your security in your husband or achievements. Look to Jesus, and chase after His will first of all. Let Him fill your heart with security and purpose, whether you have a job or are committed to homemaking. It is something we hear all the time, but do we take it to heart and practice it daily? It was just cliche' to me!

Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before Him. It is because of Him that you are in Christ Jesus, Who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.” ~Corinthians 1:26-31

I am not writing this as one who has achieved in this particular area, or any other.  But if we wait until we achieve to share our hearts with others, we will forever be silent. None of us have achieved, even the Apostle Paul said that he had not yet achieved. We are works in progress. We are all learning and growing together. Let us encourage each other in Christ, with much love and grace!

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