"You're not who you used to be."
The words hit hard. I didn't want to be different. I had gotten used to who I was and I liked it.
Those words hurt. They came laden with insecurities that they dropped off in my heart as they danced through my head.
Any girl who's went from single to married, from free to being a parent, knows that it doesn't come without an identity crisis.
So the words hit hard.
And then they made me angry. Like, of course I'm not who I was. I'm a Mom now, hello.
The changes range from a humorous changes in conversation to soul searching, gut wrenching discoveries and the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Now, instead of asking my husband if he'd rather play Monopoly or Rummikub we look at each other and say "do you want diaper duty or bathroom duty?"
Instead of a world where I can spend the morning sleeping in if I want I have to come to grips with the reality that I am a selfish person and sometimes I resent a lot more than losing sleep.
Instead of making a decision that will effect my future I'm making dozens of decisions a day that will shape who our children become.
I liked who I was as a young adult. The teen years came with their own struggles, but by the time I hit my 20s I felt secure. I knew who I was. I was good at what I did.
Back then an evening of fun consisted of coaxing my friends up to the ambulance barn so I could practice getting IVs and then going to the local grocery store to buy a cake that looked like a hamburger and jamming out with the windows down all the way home.
Time spent with friends was full of giggles, crazy dares and heartfelt talks. My opinions were strong and freely shared. I had lots of time to think them through and I knew what I believed and I reveled in what I felt.
And now...I've changed.
My soul can feel restless and I don't know who I am anymore.
Deep thoughts and feelings run through my heart and I don't know how to deal with them anymore. I feel small and inadequate.
Just another Mom.
Just another lady cruising through the grocery store with a cart full of lovely little people, trying to decide if I should buy Kraft or Annie's Macaroni and Cheese.
I look deep into my daughter's eyes and wonder if I'll be able to show her how to be a woman of worth. How to be brave and true and feminine and strong.
I kiss my little boy's hair and revel in the smell of the outside air. And I wonder if I'll be able to instill the importance of being bold and standing up for truth, the need to fight for those who need a champion infused with the strength of God.
I feed my baby girl at night and the atrocities of abortion run through my mind. And I want to cry out against it, but there's not many ways to fight, as a mom, with 3 kids in tow. So I hug her a little tighter and ask God to protect her always and thank Him for putting her in our care.
I want to go out and do something fun with my friends but I feel like my mind might not have enough energy or the capacity to carry on an intelligent conversation at times.
And even as my mind kicks against it, my heart is starting to embrace it.
Because I'm starting to realize that embracing the hard, the everyday and the mundane all together is what makes life real.
Learning to love bigger, pray harder and fall deeper in my Savior as I realize how very inadequate I am.
Sometimes I wonder where all my big 20-year-old dreams have gone.
And then I realize I'm living them. Each and every one.
God has been so gracious to me.
Yes, I've changed. I'm not who I used to be. And it's actually a good thing.
So dear lady. If you're struggling with your identity, and don't like who you are anymore?
Stop a minute. Think about what's changed. If it's bad, then change it back again.
But, if you look carefully you might just realize - you're living exactly the life you were meant to be living. And you are becoming the person God has called you to be.
It's ok to not be who you used to be.
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I am on a journey to know Jesus better, and be the wife, mommy and friend that God created me to be, all within the walls of my own little home. <3